News Desk
BOLIVIA — In what experts are calling “the most ambitious timeshare scam of the millennium,” representatives of self-proclaimed “Hindu nation” Kailasa have been arrested after attempting to lease vast tracts of Bolivian rainforest for the next 1,000 years, apparently unaware that imaginary countries cannot sign legally binding contracts.
Nithyananda, the entrepreneurial spiritual leader who founded the “country” after fleeing India in 2019 amid sexual assault allegations, has built an impressive resume that includes “godman,” “supreme pontiff of Hinduism,” and now “failed real estate developer in a country he’s knew little.”
The leases, which covered an area “three times the size of New Delhi” according to local officials, would have granted Kailasa control of indigenous lands, airspace, and natural resources until approximately the year 3024, by which time humanity will either have evolved beyond physical form or been replaced by gold-plated temple gift shops selling overpriced enlightenment.
“We made the mistake of listening to them,” said Pedro Guasico, leader of the Baure indigenous group, who was promised $200,000 annually for a mere quarter century but ended up signing away his people’s land for ten centuries. “Their PowerPoint presentation was really convincing, and the complimentary ‘I ♥ Kailasa’ tote bags sealed the deal.”
Sources confirm that Kailasa representatives had previously managed to take photos with Bolivian President Luis Arce, presumably by standing in the background at public events while wearing “Official Diplomat” name tags printed at a roadside shop.
“Bolivia does not maintain diplomatic relations with the alleged nation ‘United States of Kailasa,'” Bolivia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs announced, paving way for the bogus Godman to be deported.
The 20 arrested Kailasa “diplomats” have been deported to their actual countries of citizenship, including India, the United States, and China, where they will face the crushing disappointment of having to use real passports again.
Nithyananda, who fled India in 2019 following allegations of sexual assault, rape, pedophilia, child abduction, and introducing the phrase “the me resides in this as me is residing in all of that as me” into human language, had previously claimed diplomatic immunity as head of his self-declared state.
Thankfully, Godman isn’t peddling automobiles, or he’d be convincing gullible customers that their rusted Ambassador can transform into a celestial flying taxi with just a sprinkle of his “divine” intervention.
The spiritual leader, whose theological contributions include promising to live “at least 150 years” and claiming he can make cows speak Sanskrit, apparently believed that announcing a country on YouTube automatically grants it sovereign status under international law.
Kailasa has previously attempted to gain legitimacy by sending representatives to United Nations meetings and signing a “sister cities” agreement with Newark, New Jersey, where some jerks at the city office later admitted they thought was “some kind of cultural exchange program, not recognition of a literal fake country.”
At a 2023 UN meeting, a Kailasa representative in traditional attire that suspiciously resembled costumes from a Bollywood historical drama demanded protection for Nithyananda, claiming he had been “persecuted for reviving ancient Hindu traditions,” most notably the ancient tradition of fleeing criminal charges by inventing your own country.
According to disappointed followers, Kailasa’s Bolivian venture was intended to expand their “enlightened civilization based on authentic Hinduism” by adding a South American rainforest campus complete with temples, meditation centers, and presumably, an extradition-proof compound.
“This is a temporary setback in our divine mission,” said an unnamed Kailasa spokesperson via their official Twitter account, which has more followers than their actual nation. “Our leader exists beyond physical reality, so concepts like ‘international borders’ and ‘criminal charges’ are merely illusions.”
While Karl Marx famously declared that “religion is the opium of the people,” Nithyananda appears to have taken this as a business model rather than a critique, allegedly providing actual intoxicants to his devoted followers alongside promises of spiritual enlightenment and Sanskrit-speaking livestock.
At press time, Nithyananda could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly contemplating the dramatic contrast between his former golden throne and the uncomfortable metal chair he currently occupies in a detention facility, handcuffed and awaiting deportation. Sources close to the situation report he has been repeatedly asking guards if they might consider his cell a “sovereign spiritual embassy,” a request that has been met with sustained laughter.
