News Desk
PATHANAMTHITTA, INDIA — In a historic stand against foreign influence, Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) chief Mohan Bhagwat has bravely declared that Hindus should ditch English in public events and embrace traditional Indian attire. His speech, delivered at the ‘Hindu Unity Conference’ in Kerala, was, of course, meticulously reported in English by the RSS’s own website.
Bhagwat, who was draped in proudly indigenous cotton fabric—possibly woven by foreign-manufactured spinning machines—urged Hindus to strengthen their identity by engaging in three-to-four-hour family discussions on the vital topic of “Who are we?” Reportedly, several attendees struggled to stay awake during these discussions, leading to speculation that the program may secretly be a government-backed insomnia cure.
In his call for linguistic purity, Bhagwat reminded Hindus to proudly speak in their mother tongues while conveniently ignoring the fact that half of India is just trying to understand each other’s mother tongues. Experts suggest that a Delhi native trying to order chai in Malayalam might accidentally summon a demon, but Bhagwat remains undeterred.
His remarks sparked online outrage, with one user asking, “If English is the enemy, why does the RSS website proudly display its devotion to it?” Others pointed out that Bhagwat’s speech could have been far more impactful had it been delivered via ancient palm leaf manuscripts instead of modern microphones and Twitter updates.
The Hindu Unity Conference, a 113-year-old event known for fighting untouchability and rigid customs, welcomed Bhagwat with open arms, despite his request that attendees avoid foreign influences—like, say, democracy, smartphones, and the internet.
As Bhagwat continues his quest to rid India of Western influence, sources confirm that he was last seen boarding a car powered by a German-engineered engine, and checking his smartphone made in China.
